fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
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