I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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