Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
