fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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