Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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