I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
