He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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