Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Randomize
