and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
We got so high we made milksteak
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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