I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
wanna go halves on a baby?
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
