we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
