We should be called the Road Head Warriors
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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