we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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