My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
