She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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