the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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