You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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