Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
