Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
