just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
