What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
