You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize