If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Cover your peen. We're going out.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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