I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
