Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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