Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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