I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
