i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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