apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Randomize
