you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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