All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
