Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
