if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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