Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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