This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
