I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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