i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
