someone get that fucking seahorse.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
