Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
