So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
