I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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