I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
