I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
