burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
