Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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