Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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