spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
