Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
In America we eat man semen.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Randomize
