Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
