I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
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