Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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