i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
