I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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