She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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