Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Randomize
