The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
