Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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