I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
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