we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
