Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Randomize