life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
